To be continued..

Vira and I

Vira is a very close friend of mine. We both grew up together and get along well. I don’t think I could ever make friend with somebody else the way I do with her. We talk until night, we never running out of topic, we’re just perfect.

Now as we both getting older we have our own thing. She got a job out of the town which I have to carry all the burden I used to share with her all alone now. Having her away is such a big hit for me, she plays such role that nobody could ever does and ever will. We used to see each other every single day, and believe it or not when we both just got home from someplace we would continue talking on the phone, my mom and hers always shouting ‘you guys just met’. 

Now that we are both working we still managed ourselves to talk somehow, even just a few damn minutes through text messages and video calls. When she left town for work the only thing she said was ‘I’m leaving, bye’ and I remember I thought she was just messing up with me so all my respond was ‘no you’re not’. Later on when i realized she wasn't joking at all i cursed her, 'you asshole why are you alwasy leaving me?' and all she said was 'just pray for me' 

Her father got into an accident on the same day as my birthday and later passed away not long after. So it's a mixed feelings. I don’t really know how to feel when she said ‘happy birthday’ to me ever since. It’s just sad how you celebrating a friend on her birthday but that day gave you the worst memory.

I love her, she’s my rock. We witnessed each other growing up. All this time I spent with her enough for me to feel like I don’t even need her telling me how she felt because I already knew it just by staring at her eyes. All these years she’s the only one who showed up at my worst or maybe she’s the only one I called up when something horrible happened to me. I put her number as a supporting data to everything I get myself into, like you can call this girl she knows me better than anyone else, I guess. 

There are times we had an argument, but what do you expect? we're girls at the end of the day. No amounts of arguments would makes us part ways. At least til today. 

Experiencing sleepless nights in months

There's always a side effect, like if you're drinking too much caffeine, you'll up all night. For me, taking these sleeping pills give me a little sensation in my stomach every time i wake up in the morning, i had Gerd, i still have it now. I think that’s why my stomach a little too sensitive with everything i put in my mouth. 

The first week taking pills went well at least until the next week I can’t sleep even after taking it. I was so freaking out like 'why the fuck this friggin pills didnt do anything at all?' so I went to the doctor, again. I asked him what happened with the pills, he said 'its not about the pills, its about you, your body needs to take a higher dose for it to work'. I remember I was looking at the ceiling realizing how fucked I am. And the doctor ultimately told me 'if you're still coming back here after I prescribed you the same pills, I suggest you to talk to someone' . I believe he was referring to a psychiatrist.

And that was it. I cursed myself all the way home. I cried like I never cry before. And I threatened myself, 'ok if you dont wanna sleep, thats fine. i'll do it your way. im not gonna go taking myself to a psychiatrist talking shits about my life, my dad, or anything. im done having people staring at me, frowning, and feel bad.' 

But, i did eventually texting one of my interviewees when I was still an internship student as a journalist. She is a psychiatrist, solving case mostly about women and children whose abused by men, husband, father, something like that, but you can talk to her through something common like stressing over a boyfriend, facing a breakup, hahahaha.

I did make an appointment with her. 

You know when a friend of yours telling you 'you're insane, go talk to a psychiatrist' they didn't mean it, you dont take it seriously either. But this is a man we used to call doctor telling you that you might need help with your mind because maybe he knows something wrong with your sanity and guess what you're taking it too seriously that you started to wonder if you're friend were dead ass thinking you're crazy. Trust me, every single word they said, crossed my mind at that point. 

And guess what.

I sleep without pills that night. I woke up happy and mad at the same time 'damn i got you an appointment, bitch!'